“And you may tell yourself, this is not my hapless gray cat.

And you may tell yourself, this is not my quick-witted mouse.

My God!…What have they done?!”

– Paraphrased from Once in a Lifetime, with apologies to the Talking Heads.

When Tom & Jerry: The Movie was released in 1992, it was claimed that it was the first time Tom the cat and Jerry the mouse talked. But here’s Tom in “The Million Dollar Cat,” one of many classic Hanna-Barbera cartoons released by MGM, talking, however briefly. It’s not as pervasive as whatever the heck is going on in 16 new Tom and Jerry cartoons in this Tom and Jerry: Around the World DVD, created by deplorable writers who have made only the most cursory study of Tom and Jerry, deciding that they should talk again and that the chase aspect should be retained, but with more story than there was before. There does not need to be more story than necessary in order to set the duo off on their frantic ways. William Hanna and Joseph Barbera knew that the conflict between Tom and Jerry should be established in the first minute and the other six minutes should be about the chase, or what stops the chase, such as Tom receiving news of being willed a million dollars that he will only have as long as he doesn’t harm Jerry. Then Jerry can torment him all he wants without Tom retaliating, and there’s wonder in how Tom and Jerry use the resources around them. This is especially prevalent in “Tom & Jerry in The Hollywood Bowl,” another great old cartoon in which Tom conducts a concert at the famous Hollywood Bowl, and Jerry begins conducting with him, until Tom notices and tries to get him off the stage. It only takes a minute to show Tom as the conductor and Jerry doing the same, and then the chase is on. That’s how it’s always been, and that’s how it should have remained.

It turns out that the 16 new cartoons are from a 2006 series called Tom and Jerry Tales, where the animation is unfortunately smoother and more shiny (part of the charm of the old cartoons was in the animation having a slightly edgy, painterly quality), and the previously beloved cat and mouse are involved in inspiring the Wright Brothers to flight (framed by an old Tom and Jerry telling the story to young mice at the National Air and Space Museum in Washington, D.C.), in dinosaur eggs hatcing on an island, in competing against each other for the most passersby cash on opposite street corners, in Tom trying to win a golden guitar by flamenco dancing, with Jerry trying to foul him up since he’s dancing on a platform under which Jerry is trying to have a successful date. There’s no energy in these new cartoons, nothing kinetic. Every gag feels so labored.

Only six of the cartoons on this DVD are the originals, the best. Hollywood will always spend money to make money, but this is a disturbingly wrong way to do it. Even more disheartening is one of two trailers that are the only extras (the other for Happiness is…Peanuts: Snoopy’s Adventures), for Tom and Jerry & The Wizard of Oz. Memories of the classic 1939 movie well up because that’s the template used for this full-length movie (another one), the same songs are used, but sung by voices that can’t possibly match the original vocals, and don’t even sound like they’re trying to make some good on their own. It doesn’t look like fun.  It seems to be the trend, and though it doesn’t sully the reputation of these two, it’s disappointing that this is who animators and writers think they’re all about. They’re not. Stick to the Tom & Jerry Golden Collection, which was released last year, and Tom & Jerry: Spotlight Collection, released in 2004. Each remains golden and quickly wipes out the bad memories of these shoddy attempts.